FIXING THE KINKS
Married or not, it's likely you'd be miserable
BY HEIDI HARRIS

Nevada has the highest divorce rate in the nation. The results have been disastrous for the state, in every possible category. Unstable family situations often breed criminals when children of broken homes are left unsupervised. Our education system is hampered by a lack of parental involvement in students' education, and the burden on our social "safety net" is obvious. 

Although it should be readily apparent, many divorced or separated parents I've talked to seem blind to the damage their children are suffering. In the last few weeks, I have spoken with several people who are currently going through a divorce or separation, and they are clueless, to say the least. 

One father of three told me that his kids were now living in California with their mother. When I said, "Oh, that's too bad," his response was, "Nah, it's all good." 

Good for whom? Certainly not the kids. When a marriage has been miserable for a long time, it's understandable for adults to feel a certain amount of relief when things are "resolved." Putting on a brave face and acting like you're happy to be rid of the bum (or bum-ette) may make you feel better, but it doesn't do much for your kids. These days all I see are parents concerned with their own happiness. Forgotten in the milieu is the breaking heart of a child. 

Since the advent of so-called "no-fault" divorce in the '70s, marriage and family experts have lamented that divorce has become far too easy. Although I would agree, there's no guarantee that making divorce more complicated would make things any easier at home. Some experts argue that making divorce more difficult would deter some couples from hasty marriages. 

Maybe. But if that were true, we wouldn't see so many unsightly tattoos, which are much harder to get rid of than a spouse! Short-term thinkers will always be among us. You'd think, since so many parents today are themselves children of divorce, they'd be more cautious when choosing a mate. The sad fact is that in many households, several generations have been born into bad marriages. Without any decent examples, the cycle continues, as each generation goes on to marry poorly. 

Making divorce more difficult is not the quick fix some would imagine. People who have healthy marriages aren't concerned about getting a divorce, and those who choose poor partners and have unhealthy marriages will always be miserable, whether or not they're married. Divorce may rid you of a spouse, but it doesn't fix the kinks in your own soul.

As a child of divorced parents, I've got a message for those of you whose marriages are in trouble: divorce hurts. Even if your divorce is "friendly," divorce tears childrens' lives apart, forcing us to live our lives in two places, and often adjust to new "parents" and siblings. Acrimony between former spouses and new partners is another problem. Adults are allowed to hate each other, but helpless kids are expected to "adapt." The trouble is, kids only have one life that matters to them - life with the original Mom and Dad. 

Speaking for the forgotten children, I'd appreciate it if you adults would put children's happiness and stability first. I'm not asking you to live together in misery, or stay together just for the children. All I'm asking for is some consideration of what your decisions do to a child's life. 

The next time you or someone you know thinks about calling it quits, remember that if you have children, you can never really start a "new life" without destroying theirs. LW

Listen to Heidi Harris on KXNT 840-AM’s morning show from 5 to 9 a.m. Contact her at heidi.harris@infinitybroadcasting.com.