Dragging your ass out of bed each and every morning and getting ready for work — whether you’re employed at a construction site or in a corporate cubicle farm — is no fun. Thank God, then, for coffee, the caffeinated beverage that makes mornings brighter and full of vague promise. Indeed, as much as scientists and new studies continue to play down the positive qualities of the coffee bean, they can’t deny the hard facts: Caffeine increases your alertness, enhances your attention span, and even helps certain people suffering from asthma.
And when a beautiful woman in lingerie serves you a steaming cup of java, a lot of other parts of the brain get stimulated, too. Suddenly getting (ahem!) up for work isn’t such an ordeal after all. Was it Socrates who said, “Everything goes better with lingerie”? No? Well, he should’ve.
Sexxpresso, which is located on 670 East Flamingo (just east of Koval), makes driving to work a whole heckuva lot more fun for red-blooded males. Shaped like a giant coffee mug, this small-business coffee purveyor offers a drive-thru, where lingerie-clad hotties take your order: one prepares and brings you a coffee beverage while another says hello and chats. (If you have a Santa fetish, the girls are currently wearing Santa hats and related holiday accoutrements that are cuter than a button.)
Drinks come in three different cup sizes: A, B and Double D. If you’re a small-cup man, you’re set. If you prefer more than a handful, you’re set, too. Don’t worry: The cups are unmarked, so if you inhabit a super-conservative or ultra-feminist work environment, no one will know where you happened to buy coffee this morning. If your co-workers are open-minded, you may want to bring them a menu.
Speaking of the drink menu, the names of the beverages alone are worth a visit: Latte Lover (latte), Pleasure Cup (café mocha), Erotic Pleasure (white chocolate mocha), Sensual Mix (vanilla latte), Wet Dream (caramel macchiato), Sexy Lady (chocolate and raspberry), Joy Ride (chocolate and caramel), Edible Desire (chocolate, caramel and almond), and — highly recommended by Liberty Watch writers — the Porn Star (chocolate-covered cherry latte). We’ve only sampled about half of these drinks, but we can say with absolute authority that they are delicious and served at the perfect temperature. Also, they aren’t any more expensive than what you get at the Starbucks and the Coffee Bean & Tea Leaf chains. (Shoot, they may be less expensive!) Also, the ladies handed us a receipt with an offer to “please cum again” for a “valid next day only buy one get one free.” (Come again?)
Once the weather warms up, we eagerly anticipate trying a frozen “SLAP…accino,” particularly the Almond Mocha, which includes “special dark cocoa, real almonds and the ladies’ special touch.” The smoothies look good, too — like the Forbidden Fruit, the Pineapple Paradise and Strawberry Delight. No we have something to look forward to in the spring!
Moreover, the ladies are friendly, smart and look great in fishnets. From what we hear, Sexxpresso’s busy hours are between six and seven o'clock in the morning, but anytime is a great time for eye candy and coffee. You’ll find your alertness increased, your attention span enhanced, and maybe you’ll forget about your asthma for a few moments.
Oh, and you’ll have an awesome reason to get up for work the next morning.
Sexxpresso is located at 670 E. Flamingo Rd. For more information, call 702-796-1125.
