STAYING TRUE
The Republican party solicits my opinions for their census — again
BY MIKE ZIGLER

Mike Zigler is editor of Liberty Watch: The Magazine. After serving as news editor at Las Vegas CityLife and editor-in-chief at the UNLV Rebel Yell, he currently directs internal communications on the Las Vegas Strip. Feel free to reach him at mikezigler@cox.net  Other stories by Mike Zigler

My mailbox is usually full of joyful surprises. Bills, solicitations and HOA notices are among my favorite items. But only one piece of mail tickles me more than the combination of monthly reminders to pay for locally monopolized power and fines proposed by a housing association with a hard-on after a wind storm. That, of course, is when the Republican party thinks of me. 

“You are among a select group of Republicans who have been chosen to take part in the official 2008 census of the Republican party,” a recent (yet familiar-sounding) letter read. “Enclosed is your new 2008 GOP census document, which was assigned and prepared especially for you as a representative of all Republicans in your voting district.”

“Oh my,” I thought upon receiving this. After all, such specialized attention is a compliment of the highest order, especially when I read “it is cost-prohibitive for the Republican party to print and mail an official Republican party census to each and every one of the 62 million Republicans nationwide.”

This was my third census in two years.

The document is always amusing to spend 20 or 30 minutes on. Sure, the wording of questions, the order in which they are asked and the number and form of alternative answers offered can influence results of polls. Select phrasing may be subtle and question wording can result in quite pronounced differences between surveys on the same issue. 

But subtlety was no concern of the Republican party. Time, however, was of the essence because the party made clear in the opening letter that even if I was undecided about some questions, I needed to complete and return the census within seven days.

A month later, I jumped at the chance. 

First up, homeland-security issues.

Should Republicans do everything they can to prevent liberal Democrats from repealing the USA Patriot Act and other important laws that help our intelligence agencies protect Americans?

I penciled the “no” option, implying I’m a liberal. 

While the party didn’t provide space to elaborate why I selected “no,” I made note to them that roving wiretaps, access to library and bookstore records, Internet monitoring, secret and warrantless searches and indefinite detentions are not only un-Republican, but unconstitutional.

Should Republicans in Congress oppose the new, wasteful government spending programs proposed by the Democrats and their leaders, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid?

Yes — and those included in the massive explosion in our fearless Republican president’s federal budget, aided by what has been primarily a Republican Congress during his tenure. While we’re at it, just cut all current and proposed government spending.

Do you think Congress should pass the Federal Marriage Amendment, protecting marriage as a union between one man and one woman?

Is this really an issue?

Should Republicans fight Democrat efforts to impose Clinton-era cuts in the Pentagon’s budget?

Cut the entire budget of the highly secretive Pentagon. 

Do you agree that sowing the seeds of democracy and freedom in the Middle East is a worthy goal?

Financially, theoretically and historically speaking, I say “no.”

“Republicans!” “Liberals!” “Protect!” “Terrorists!” “Marriage!” “Clinton-era!” “Sowing the seeds of democracy and freedom!”

Good grief. 

Those who proudly complete these questionnaires designed for the average football fan are the same who follow politics the same way they follow WrestleMania. The us-versus-them mentality hype only contributes to the dumbing down of our already questionably civilized society. It creates inaccurate alliances with other ill-advised ignoramaces and absurd illusions that there are only two options — the home team and the away team.

So by time these loyalists finish the Republicans’ four homeland-security, six economic, five domestic, three social, five defense, and two Republican questions, they come to the grand-daddy persuader of ’em all that jazzes and readies them to defeat the pesky, liberal, anti-Patriot Act, terrorist-loving, homo-embracing, Middle-East oppressing Democrat.

Will you join the Republican National Committee by making a contribution today?

My three options were contributing at various amounts, supporting the party by providing $11 “to cover the cost of tabulating my survey,” or favoring “electing liberal Democrats over the the next 10 years.”

I left that one blank, for fear of being labeled a liberal Democrat. But, by simply sealing the envelope, I was comforted knowing that I am not indeed a Democrat supporter. “By using your own first class stamp to return this envelope, you will be helping us save much needed funds.”

Funds, I’m sure, that would defeat those nasty Dems, of course.