The social structure of my middle school consisted of cool kids and nerds. While other children hoped for a seat at the cool table, I vied for the affection of 12-year-old super delegates. We lived in a world of study hall and political importance.
The student government election of 1991 started out simple enough. Jordan Esserman and Amy Coyne were running for class president. Amy had great ideas for the school. She was going to get a soda machine installed in the lunch room. She would see to it that hot chocolate was served on cold days and that her peers enjoyed a school dance every month.
Jordan had the exact same ideas, but Amy was my girlfriend, so, of course, she had my vote.
At Mardell M. Parker Jr. High, the winner was decided by name recognition; the candidate with the most posters throughout the halls would win. But other factors occassionally played a role. Amy was the cute girl in school. Jordan had a patchy beard — very advanced for his age. By freshman year, he would have a bald spot under his football helmet.
So began the poster war. What started out as “Vote for Amy Coyne” and “Esserman 4 Prez” quickly morphed into “Coyne is Worth It” and “Jordan EsserMAN is the Better Man.” That then turned into, “Amy is cooler, prettier and smarter than Jordan” and finally, “Amy Coyne is a bitch.”
Jordan was disqualified for hanging that poster (in his defense, he wrote the word in pink puffy paint, which looked friendly enough) and Amy was awarded the presidency.
Looking at today’s presidential candidates makes me reminisce of my days in junior high. Hilary Clinton claims popularity, Barack Obama is the new kid and John McCain is the oldest, meanest bully on the playground.
The campaign is not about the war or the economy, anymore than it was about dances and vending machines. It’s about the posters. It’s about Obama bowling and Clinton crying and McCain having a hot wife.
As a result of the 1991 election, we had one less dance than usual, no one had one cup of hot chocolate and I’m pretty sure that Parker Jr. High is still a soda machine shy in the lunch room. Still, the popular girl won.
In the next four years, I’m looking forward to my property value dropping, another 3,000 American troops getting killed and Jordan Esserman finding his way into the cabinet.
