I used to think, �What�s so bad about global warming? Heck, we could swim in January!�
So what if the ice caps melt and flood the earth. I saw Waterworld and kind of liked it. But it seems today that if you�re not replacing your incandescent light bulbs with compact fluorescent light bulbs, you�re a criminal, a warmonger and (gasp) Republican. I know this because Al Gore told me so. He grew a beard, which makes him a geologist, and he told me something I found very inconvenient. The earth has a fever.
And since George Clooney, Leonardo DiCaprio and Paul McCartney are all going green to save the earth, Gore must have been right. Clooney even grew a beard in tacit support.
I don�t have a beard, so I�m no expert, but my understanding is that global warming is caused by greenhouse gases. These gases are slowly, very slowly, killing our planet. They are a result of industry, automobiles, factories and Eli Whitney�s cotton gin. The problem lies where these gases are so thick that they can�t escape through our atmosphere or ozone layer. They act as a blanket keeping the heat trapped in our air and on our surface. This kind of heat is what�s causing violent hurricanes during hurricane season in parts of the world that annually host violent hurricane seasons.
The other silent but deadly earth killer is something a little more perverse: cow poop. The methane gases emitted from the bovine posterior and its contents are ripping big ones in the ozone layer. Two decades ago, these holes were blamed on the massive consumption of aerosol hairspray being used by fans of the rock band Ratt. But now, it�s the cows to blame, not teens and 20-somethings with eight-inch bangs.
With the election at hand, some of the focus should be taken off war and be put on the environment. Because if we kill our planet, where could we conduct war?
Remember, I�m no expert (I still have no beard), but I�ve devised a perfect, near-diabolical plan to save our planet: more cow farts. We must genetically alter our cows to emit more methane by feeding them stomach-churning fruit, causing the increased flatulence to rip the ozone layer to shreds and allow the greenhouse gases to escape. If my calculations are correct, the greenhouse gases will still linger around just enough, heavy and dense, (like L.A.) and block out most of the sun�s harmful rays.
Gore hasn�t really offered a solution to save our planet other than to make a complete 180. But we can�t stop progress. The world�s population is a snowball barreling down a hill. And we can�t have that snowball melt any easier than we can stop its descent to the bottom. The answer is to use what we know and utilize our skills. It might smell bad, but the inconvenient answer to Gore�s inconvenient truth is, in fact, bullshit.
