Am I happy with the outcome of the election? Yeah, I am. I�ve always been a social guy, so why wouldn�t I like the �ism� that comes along with it? It doesn�t bother me that the McCain/Palin ticket lost; it�s that I�ve lost Sarah Palin.
I was only with Sarah for three months, but in that short time we built the kind of relationship that poets envy. It was passionate and exciting and it pulled at every heart string I have.
When I first met Sarah, I was captivated with her. Not because she had that sexy librarian cougar MILF thing going on, but because of what was happening behind her rimless glasses. I wondered: Who is this woman? What is she going to say next? Why is she winking at me?
Everyday I was learning something about her that made me realize we were kindred spirits. She loved guns and enjoyed the sport of hunting big game. I love hunting, too! I�d hunted squirrel in Arkansas with my grandfather. It wasn�t big game, but I imagined her taking me up in the governor�s helicopter and sniping moose or polar bears or Russians. And when it came out that her teenage daughter was pregnant, I was so impressed how she so quickly contradicted herself and her Christian morals on abstinence to support her daughter and her redneck boyfriend. I�m a hypocrite, too!
I was fascinated with how informal she was at every opportunity. �Can I call you Joe?� she asked Sen. Joe Biden at the Vice Presidential debate. I mean, there was a statesman who was in the running for the second-highest office in the land, someone she�d never met before, and she was already on a first-name basis with him. I still don�t know my own parents� first names.
And we were happy. I loved her. I couldn�t get enough of her. I wanted to learn everything about her and was able to see her and hear her everywhere I went. It was intoxicating. I didn�t care about her flubs with Katie Couric. Who�s Katie Couric anyway? Matt Lauer�s former co-host, that�s who. She�s just part of that damn liberal media. What, with her gotcha journalism and her questions.
But as time went on, those things I found cute started to grate at me. Like who is this woman? What is she going to say next? Why is she winking at me?
And when she lost on Nov. 4, she didn�t even so much as tell me goodbye. She just stood there letting Sen. John McCain ramble on about his campaign and his wife and �dear mother.� What about me? Hadn�t Sarah and I been through enough that I deserved a concession call?
And then, my once-media-wary Sarah went on a whirlwind tour stopping by every studio that would have her. She was seen with Lauer, Larry King and that beared, monotone megalomaniac, Wolf Blitzer. It was disgusting the way she put herself out like that. She cooked moose for reporters in her home while her husband Todd stood around with his goatee and high school education. She even campaigned for Saxby Chambliss in Georgia�s runoff senate race.
What happened? What went wrong? What did I do to deserve this pain? Where did my flirty Sarah go? We used to laugh because she thought NAFTA was a bug spray. Now she claims she knows who�s in NAFTA? It�s sickening.
I�ve had my share of ex-girlfriends and yes, at the time, I always thought I�d never get over them. But surely and slowly, they faded out of my life. They went away. I can say with experience and certainty, I�ll never get over Sarah Palin because Sarah Palin will never go away.
