KRYPTONITE, PLEASE
Screenwriters for Superman Returns could've used a solid dose of the deadly element
BY LAUREN ALLEN
Show times for Superman were running every 30 minutes. I figured we'd have trouble finding seats together because the auditorium would be packed. Upon arrival at the mall, I noticed that the box-office line was worse than imagined. I asked the girl behind the glass if there were any seats left for the 2:10 p.m. showing of Superman. While handing me two tickets to join 20 other suckers for 2 hours and 30 minutes of super-hell, she looked at me like I was nuts.
I now understand why screenwriters Michael Doughtery and Dan Harris chose to change Superman's mantra of fighting for "truth, justice and the American way," to "truth, justice and all that stuff." They were obviously so desperate to create a buzz about this piece of garbage that the only way they could do it was by selling out America's favorite superhero and taking a pathetic little left-wing slap at the rest of the country.
In this latest installment, Superman returns to the United States after a five-year absence, only to discover that the love of his life, Lois Lane, has not only moved on in the romance department. but is now the mother of 5-year-old son, Jason. Before I go any further, this kid, played by Tristan Lake Leabu, looks like some homeless waif that they recruited from the street - drugged and charismatically handicapped. Not only is this child in desperate need of acting lessons, but a bath and a haircut should be ordered up as well.
Lois' new personal life isn't the only thing that's changed since Superman disappeared. Arch villain Lex Luther was released from prison because Superman was nowhere to be found during his appeal hearing. Lex is now planning on destroying the United States by growing his own landmass that will soon cover North America, drowning everyone in the process.
At some point, Lois and Little Jason end up being held captive by Lex and his henchmen aboard a luxury yacht. One of the bad guys starts to rough up Lois in front of little Jason, who sits back and watches his mother being tossed around like a rag doll for what seems like at least three minutes without the slightest bit of emotion registering on his face. Not even a cry of "leave my mommy alone!" slips from this kids lips. Eventually, he gets up and shoves a piano across the floor at the villain, which finally results in his mother being set free.
Not only is the acting in this film atrocious, but the storyline and special effects. The only redeeming aspect in this picture is Kevin Spacey's portrayal of Lex Luther.
I've read that the film had a pretty solid opening week, pulling in around $84 million during its first five days. Warner Brothers better beware because once people begin to talk about the movie, their revenues just might begin to plummet. LW
